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In my many years of working with individuals and couples considering children, the biggest difference I have found between sexual minority people and heterosexual people is the extra measure of calm deliberateness the average lgbt person needs to put into their decision. Most of the time, parenting is not something that just happens to them. So they tend to approach the question of whether or not to parent with much more intentionality to the benefit of both their children and society. On the other hand, without the assumption one will parent lgbt people can find it much easier to postpone or simply fail to make any choice about parenting, which eventually leads toward a lack of choice. Although sitting through the soul searching and self-evaluation that such a choice implies can be uncomfortable, is it any less uncomfortable to look back over one's life when it is too late and regret that a decision was never made? It is an act of personal power to consider parenting, even if one's process is relatively short and uncomplicated. To do so is to place oneself in acknowledgement of the full scope of our human choices, something that lgbt people are encouraged to not do in our homophobic world. So when a client tells me they don't want children, I try to explore how they have come to this choice - is it by reason of examination of the issues involved, or more because the issue has been avoided or it has been internalized that lgbt people simply don't need to think about such things? Because the choice is so important and my space is limited, here are three major issues that seem to usually emerge with lgbt clients considering parenthood: 1) Is it selfish of me to want to have children because I am involved in a same gender relationship?. You bet! It is just as selfish as wanting a child when one is heterosexual. The are precious few reasons people of any sort would put up with the consuming process of parenting if it wasn't also tremendously and selfishly rewarding to them. Because my more politically sophisticated clients have a hard time asking such a homophobic sounding question, I sometimes ask instead what they would do if a family member or friend posed the question (and believe me, they usually do)! 2) If I decide to raise children, will my friends make this transition with me? Maybe. However, bringing a child into one's life is rich fodder of new social beginnings. Settled friendships become exciting and disconcerting, and the potential for deep and new intimacies is as strong as the potential for real loss. Therefore, finding a supportive peer group looking at the same issue can greatly help a person to not feel isolated. 3) Will I ever get my life back if I parent? No, but you will get a different one. We are biologically based creatures with an intense inbuilt
need to nurture and create. Cheryl Deaner, MFT
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